Goddamit.
You know when you're out the door on your way to work, or a social gathering, or a lynching, and you get in your car, and you drive for about three minutes only to discover that you've left your phone or some other thing in the house? And all you want to do is swerve suddenly into the old couple on the sidewalk coming back from the video store because you're so frustrated?
That's what having a cold is. It's leaving your phone in the goddamn house. It's a minor inconvenience. It's a prison cell forged from moderate discomfort. It ravages your body just enough to make you lie down a lot and render you incapable of doing anything that isn't blowing the snot out of your face into fourteen rolls of toilet paper or coughing and spluttering like an Indian bread jitney.
I recently had a cold that lasted two weeks, which was long enough for me to completely give up all hope of anything ever, but not long enough for me to attempt suicide by walking into a full-to-capacity Nascar stadium and screaming "NASCAR IS THE WWE OF AUTO RACING." while masturbating with a sock and trying to get in the way of oncoming cars. In that time, I became emaciated to the point that I was mistaken for Nicole Richie on three separate occasions, communication was reduced to croaks, grunts, wild flailing hand gestures, and finally Morse code, and my testicles took on the shape and consistency of melting Raisinettes.
The common cold virus under magnification
To give you an idea of how utterly buttfucking inconvenient and wasteful being sick for that long is, I've compiled a list of all the great achievements of mankind throughout history that have been accomplished in two weeks.
Jake's Marshmallow Smore Blog-o-List© 2008: 2 -Week Triumphs Edition
1. The Eradication of the Dinosaurs
In 400 B.C., a group of paramilitary soldiers from Northern Ireland were dispatched by King George I to swiftly and systematically kill every dinosaur on the planet, thus ending their reign of terror and violence upon the peoples of the Earth. For 13 days, the soldiers carried on a military campaign unrivaled to this day in it's ruthlessness and potency, traversing all seven continents in tanks and bazookaing every dinosaur they encountered in the face. With minimal losses to their fighting force, they successfuly obliterated the entirety of the dinosaur menace and returned to their homeland as heroes, until King George declared Northern Ireland unholy and sank it with missiles into the Atlantic Ocean.
2. The Discovery of Hell
In 1968, a Scientist named Herschel Knudstein from Cambridge, Massachusetts, was engaged in a study of the original copy of The Bible, using all manner of scientific techniques and sorcery to learn more about it's origins, it's author, and the many places it had been since it had been written. While x-raying it with early infrared technology one day, he stumbled upon an inscription that had been made in watermark on the page of the 23rd psalm. Upon translation from Arabic, it was discovered that the inscription was a detailed map plotting out the exact pathway to Hell. Along with a team of cartographers and Navajo code-talkers, Herschel fleshed out the route described by the inscription in a matter of days, and soon after was preparing for an unprecedented solo journey to the gates of Hell itself. Five days after his initial discovery of the map, Herschel set out from Cambridge on a trek to be the first person to ever step foot in the fabled place of eternal damnation. After a week and a half of torturous and peril-laden travel, he arrived at his final destination. Informing the U.S. Government and the leadership of the Roman Catholic Church immediately, Herschel would describe in the letter addressed to them, "It is a loathsome and terrible place, just as very much a pit of anguish and despair as you would imagine it to be. Everywhere lost souls are to be seen, toiling in endless drudgery, their demon overlords giving them no quarter from the barbed whip. The landscape is bleak and filthy, and the screams of the damned and the deranged echo eternally from the farthest reaches of the horizon. Assuredly, it cannot be soon enough until I can leave this dreadful place." Upon returning to Cambridge, Herschel was celebrated as a national hero and pioneer, and basked in the admiration and reverence of the populace for several years, until he went mad and stabbed himself with a Tonka truck. The Department of Transportation would later rename Hell "Bakersfield, California" and build a major interstate freeway in it's immediate vicinity, giving millions of commuters every day a glimpse into the horror and unending sorrow that lay in store for them.
3. The Invention of Sex
In 1 A.D., it was decided by the world's leaders that after the birth of the baby Jesus, immaculate conception was no longer going to be a viable option for procreation. Declaring that change was necessary, the leaders convened in an unprecedented meeting of the minds, with the promise that they would not rest until a new solution had been discovered. Depriving themselves of basic human necessity, they toiled away in a noble's palace in Jerusalem, researching, debating, and testing new and various ways procreation might be achieved. Among the failed attempts were included such trials as throwing large stones at a woman's stomach, smashing two babies together in the hopes that a third would miraculously be produced from the impact, and baking pies made from human waste that were then sold to the townspeople. After 12 days, the leaders finally narrowed down the search to some form of physical contact with two bodies. Humans were paired with animals, men with men, men with women. Women and men were punched, kicked, headbutted, and indian burned. Men would swing women around by their hair, hippopotami would roll over monkeys. Every orifice was brought into play, with every body part imaginable being shoved into nostrils, anuses, and mouths. Finally, on the fourteenth day, one of the leaders suggested putting the penis of a man into the vagina of a woman. Two volunteers were chosen, and after 53 seconds, the first ejaculation of mankind took place. minutes later, a baby came tumbling forth from the woman's womb, and a riotous cheer erupted from all gathered. Word spread quickly around the globe that the leaders had succeeded, and soon people from all walks of life were having sexual intercourse, and continue to have it to this day, although it's getting a little weird, with the internet and the poop and everything.
4. The Building of the Moon
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln commissioned a team of masons and sculptors to build a massive, brilliant white spherical structure that would be capable of orbiting ceaselessly around the Earth for all eternity because, according to him "The wife says that the night sky is boring and dull and makes her want to kill slaves." Tasked with building the structure in two weeks due to a deadline imposed by Lincoln's wife, Mary (who stated she'd "go all apeshit crazy and fuck a bitch" if it wasn't completed in time), the artisans worked at a feverish pace, designing the plans, gathering the raw materials, and launching into space in a matter of days. For the next week and a half, they put in a colossal effort, assembling the giant sphere piece by piece in their primitive spacesuits and painting it one square yard at a time, until the moment came for them to gather together and give it one strong push, sending it on it's neverending course around the circumference of the Earth. Though the team lacked the rocket fuel and navigational skills to ever make it back home, and though Mary Lincoln was often heard to mutter "Where in the shit did that giant fucking ball come from?" "The Moon," as it came to be called, named after it's lead sculptor Nathaniel "The Chistlesmith" Moon, stands today as a testament to the ingenuity and limitless potential that mankind possesses.
So as you can see, even in a cosmically insignificant span of time such as two weeks, great things can be achieved. Unless you happen to be sick, like I was, in which case nothing at all can be achieved, except for wanton self-pity and pissing the color of Lemon-Lime Gatorade. I don't know who's responsible for this, but when I find them, I'm going to sodomize them with Poseidon's trident and make them watch Katie Couric's interview of SarahPalin on an endless loop until they go insane and twist off their own gonads.
For all my inconvenience, they deserve nothing less.
